Getting To The Root Of A Fear Of Abandonment: An Exploration of Early Developmental Trauma That Can Leave Lasting Wounds
When someone has an abandonment wound from early childhood, we often think of a significant loss from a primary caregiver through death or divorce as the catalyst.
Clients who don’t have this defining moment struggle to make sense of why they have such a deep abandonment wound that is often triggered in adulthood. The truth? All sorts of things can cause abandonment wounds in childhood.
The following is an extensive, but still incomplete list of ways an abandonment wound can occur.
Adoption
Adoption is a pre-verbal primal wound and it involves a separation from the birth parents, which may leave the adoptee with a sense of loss, rejection, or unworthiness. Separation during this critical time can leave lasting scars even when the person is adopted into a loving home.
Divorce
Divorce is a complete disruption that involves the rupture of the family system as it was known before. Children can take on the increase in their parents’ stress, the sudden absence of an important primary caregiver, the adjustment to dividing time between caregivers, along with a whole other host of factors.
Loss of a Loved One
A death in the family can often lead to feelings of abandonment because it is such a permanent loss and can leave individuals with extreme emotional upheaval, particularly if the loss is sudden and abrupt.
Substance Abuse
Addiction wreaks havoc on every member of the family system. Children of addicts are exposed to a ton of trauma, from not knowing what version of their parent they will get that day, to the emotional unavailability that comes from the parent’s fixation on their substance of choice to even loss due to treatment, incarceration, or death. Of note, the other parent is likely stressed, anxious, and unavailable as well, leaving the children feeling as if there is no stability anywhere to be found in their primary caregivers.
The Impact of Narcissistic Parents: Love as a Transaction
Narcissistic parents teach their children that love can be earned through performance or “making them look good“. Love can also be taken away if they let the parents down or challenge them in any way. The inconsistency and the messaging around needing to earn approval and love can lead to a fear of abandonment.
Emotional Unavailability and the Fear of Being Left Behind
Emotionally unavailable parents can foster a fear of abandonment in their children by consistently failing to provide emotional support, neglecting their child's needs, showing little warmth or affection, and being dismissive of their feelings, effectively sending the message that their child's emotional well-being is not a priority, leaving the child feeling insecure and anxious about being left alone or not being loved enough.
The Confusion of Inconsistent Parenting
Inconsistent parents- same story here. Being available, loving, and warm one day, and cold and dismissive the next fosters feelings of confusion and anxiety and leaves children with the message that love can be lost at any time.
Harsh and Critical Parenting: The Roots of Perfectionism and Low Self-Worth
Harsh parenting/critical parenting can lead to children feeling as if love and self-worth have to be earned through doing things “perfectly.” It’s easy to see how this correlates to perfectionism, low self-worth, and a fear of abandonment can manifest under these conditions.
The Harmful Effects of Favoritism Among Siblings
Favoritism in children can be extremely detrimental to the child that is not deemed the “favorite.” Being consistently compared through verbal and nonverbal messages makes the child feel unloveable, unseen, and not good enough.
The Lasting Impact of Abuse on a Child’s Sense of Security
Abuse is particularly traumatic, whether emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual. All children look to their primary caregivers for stability and love and when that person is abusive it sends shocking mixed messages that get internalized and lead to feelings of lacking control, anxiety, low self-worth, and fear of abandonment.
How Frequent Moves Disrupt a Child’s Sense of Stability
Frequent moves can lead to children feeling displaced and as if there is no stable ground below them. People, places, and institutions become temporary fixtures and this makes it difficult to believe in the permanence of love and stability.
There are many many ways that a person can grow up with a fear of abandonment.
This list is just the tip of the iceberg. There doesn’t have to be some catastrophic big T trauma to qualify for trauma treatment. Often, smaller memories or inconsistencies in childhood can lead to lasting negative impacts on the nervous system. Therefore, it’s important to explore early memories and look at what beliefs were internalized as a result of early developmental traumatic events.
Start Trauma Treatment in Palm Beach County, FL
In exploring these memories and rewiring the internalized thoughts through evidence-based treatment like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), we can overcome a fear of abandonment and make sense of early memories in a more productive way. Our team of caring therapists would be happy to offer support in addressing the effects of developmental trauma. Start your therapy journey with Mangrove Therapy Group by following these simple steps:
- Schedule a consultation
- Meet with a caring therapist
- Start coping with past trauma in healthier ways!
Other Services Offered with Mangrove Therapy Group
Trauma treatment isn't the only service we offer. We are happy to offer support with a variety of mental health services including anxiety, EMDR, PTSD/C-PTSD, substance use disorders, eating disorders, body image issues, anger management, anxiety, low self-esteem, personality disorders, and much more. We also offer support with addictions such as process addictions, grief and loss, “Failure to Launch” syndrome, CBT, and DBT. Please feel free to learn more about how we can support you. You can start learning more by visiting our blog or FAQ page to learn more today!