Shame: A Silent Root of Trauma and Addiction
Shame is one of the most painful and powerful emotions we can experience as human beings. Yet, it is also one of the most misunderstood. For many of our clients struggling with trauma and/or addiction, shame isn’t just an occasional, fleeting feeling - It’s a deeply-rooted, negative belief about who they are at their very core. This blog will take a dive into the concept of shame and the damaging impact it can have on a person’s sense of self and well-being.
What Is Shame?
Shame is the internalized belief that “there’s something wrong with me.” It’s not the same as guilt, which is feeling bad about something we’ve done. Shame often goes a lot deeper. It's the feeling that we ourselves are bad, unworthy, or fundamentally flawed.
Here are some common words used by clients to describe the shame that they feel: worthless, broken, a failure, defective, unlovable, unimportant, a ruiner of things, no good, dirty, weak, pathetic, loser, disgusting, detestable, not good enough, “I don’t matter”, and many more.
This emotion can be incredibly painful and isolating. When shame takes hold, it makes us want to hide, avoid eye contact, withdraw, or numb out. It can show up as harsh self-criticism, perfectionism, people-pleasing, avoidance, or defensiveness. And because shame thrives in secrecy (as the famous author and Netflix star, Brene Brown, says), many people suffer under its weight for years without realizing how much it’s shaping their inner world.
Is All Shame Bad?
The shame we’re referring to in this blog is what is often called “toxic shame” or “core shame”. Shame in “normal” amounts can often be healthy and adaptive. As a social emotion, feelings of shame are often evoked when our behavior deviates from a social norm or moral standard. For example, if a person were to steal from their neighbor or hit their spouse, they would typically (unless they are a sociopath…) feel shameful about their behavior. Feeling shame in this case is adaptive in that it helps correct behavior so the individual can make changes and be able to live according to their values. On the other hand, toxic shame reflects a deep, negative belief about who a person is to their core.
The Trauma-Shame Connection
Shame (toxic) rarely forms in a vacuum. It often has its roots in unresolved trauma, especially trauma involving emotional neglect, abuse, abandonment, or chronic invalidation. Children inherently view the world from an egocentric place. So when they experience something painful and are left alone with it, their minds interpret those adverse situations from a very personal lens. When caregivers are critical, unavailable, or unsafe, the child’s nervous system interprets the environment as dangerous—but instead of blaming the adults, the child blames themselves. That early shame can then become embedded in the nervous system and carried forward into adulthood, influencing how we see ourselves and relate to others.
Joe grew up in a home where his mother had a lot of mental health issues, being hospitalized on numerous occasions, and sleeping a lot while depressed at home. She wasn’t responsive to his pleas for attention as she was just too deep into her own emotional challenges. Joe developed a deep sense of shame and core belief that he is “not good enough” (because if he were good enough, his mother would have changed and responded to him better!).
Susan experienced a lot of verbal, physical, and sexual abuse as a kid. She never felt safe at home and subsequently developed her own emotional difficulties. She consumed a lot of drugs and alcohol, dated abusive partners, could not hold down a job, and was in and out of institutions her whole life. She carries around a lot of shame and the deeply-held idea that she is “broken”. She goes to therapy but unconsciously sabotages those efforts over and over again, thus perpetuating the belief that she is just too damaged to heal.
The Intersection of Shame and Addiction
For those struggling with addiction, shame often plays a dual role: it’s both a driving force and a consequence of the cycle of use. Many people turn to substances or compulsive behaviors to escape the emotional pain of shame. Drugs, alcohol, food, sex, or even work can serve as powerful numbing agents when shame feels too overwhelming to face directly. But the relief is temporary. When it wears off, the shame usually returns and is often stronger than before.
A humorous illustration of this vicious shame/use cycle comes from the movie, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, where the character Fat Bastard says, "I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle."
How Do We Heal Shame?
1. Name it to Tame it!
Brene Brown talks about how shame thrives in secrecy, and therefore, we need to bring it into the light. What does she mean by that? Well, essentially, we have to be able to share our secrets vulnerably with another person who is safe and validating.
Therapy helps clients develop language and awareness around shame. Many people don’t realize they’re carrying shame until they begin talking about their experiences in a safe, validating environment. Simply naming the emotion and verbally discussing these things can begin to loosen shame’s grip.
2. Develop Self-Compassion
Shame can’t survive empathy. Through therapeutic practices like inner child work, parts work (e.g., IFS), and mindfulness, clients learn how to respond to their wounded parts with kindness rather than judgment. Over time, they internalize a more compassionate inner voice.
3. Explore the Roots
Understanding where shame came from—often in the context of unresolved trauma—helps reframe the belief that we are broken or flawed. Clients begin to see that shame is not a personal defect, but a learned response to painful experiences, often rooted in a survival instinct.
We named our practice, Mangrove Therapy Group, after the Mangrove Tree, which is immensely important to the Florida ecosystem, and because it's known for its iconic roots. Because we believe it is crucial to get to the root of the issue instead of just working at the surface.
5. Resolve Trauma
Once we’ve explored and identified the roots of a person’s shame, the next step is to process and resolve it! Therapies like EMDR can be very effective at targeting and reprocessing these early childhood experiences to adaptive resolution, thereby reducing shame and shifting core negative beliefs.
Start Working With a Trauma Therapist in Delray Beach, FL
If you’re caught in cycles of self-criticism, isolation, or addiction, and you suspect shame might be playing a role, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to face it alone. At Mangrove Therapy Group, we offer trauma-focused, compassionate care to help you understand your story, reconnect with your worth, and begin the process of healing.
You are not broken. You are human, and you are worthy of healing! Start your therapy journey by following these simple steps:
- Contact Mangrove Therapy Group
- Meet with a compassionate, skilled therapist
- Begin receiving the support you deserve
Other Services Offered with Mangrove Therapy Group
Trauma therapy is just one piece of the healing puzzle, and our therapists are trained to support you through so much more. Our Delray Beach, FL office also offers care for:
- EMDR therapy, PTSD, and Complex PTSD
- Substance use and process addictions
- Eating disorders and body image concerns
- Grief, loss, anxiety, depression, and self-esteem challenges
- Anger, shame, and emotional dysregulation
- “Failure to Launch” issues and life transitions
- CBT and DBT-based support
If you’re ready, we’re here. Let’s help you build a life where your nervous system doesn’t have to brace for impact—and where love starts to feel like a soft place to land. You can learn more from our blog or FAQs page.